So much for posting every week.
While I dodged blogging, something changed. I do not know what it is. I do not know how to describe what happened. Things got worse in the way things get when they have yet to fall into place, so they may get better but in the moment exist in the realm of the unknown and the uncomfortable. And by “things” I mean life. And by life I am excluding my relationship with Mr. Our relationship has never been better, more secure, more firm, more aligned, more sure.
So we, the couple – a miser and her Mister – hold this truth to be self-evident: WE ARE GETTING MARRIED!… soon! Well, not like, next week or even next year, but we are full-speed ahead. There’s even a date!
But I can’t share the actual date yet. That would be too easy.
How did this happen though? My reason for being unenthusiastic about wedding-planning was that I felt we were not ready for marriage – not yet. And nothing that’s happened since my last post would lead me to believe that we are more ready. In fact, it’s the opposite. I feel less ready. Today I had a career meltdown (at work… fail). Mr may have to prolong the completion of his college education so that funds can be allocated to his housing. I’m still in DC. He is still in NY. Nothing in the environment has changed. No circumstance has shifted, but I have changed and I don’t know how that happened.
Of course, I know I prayed about this, but… I don’t know what I expected God to do? Give us money? Miraculously make time go by faster? I’ve really got to check my prayer life, which is an indicator of faith. I confess that I may have been praying from the head for God to intervene – awesomely and divinely as God does – but hoping in my heart that God would just do what made sense to my for God to do (i.e. give us money and miraculously make time go by faster). Instead, God changed me. He changed my mind. He moved my stubbornness and my selfishness. That was the mountain we had to overcome – or I had to overcome. The deficiency in our engagement wasn’t lack of money, lack of ring, or lack of anything but my own faith… in us. I remember telling Mr when we first met that poor people get married around the world all the time. Money shouldn’t dictate our relationship. How the tables had turned! Reinhold Niebuhr said, “Be willing to surrender what you are for what you could become.” I don’t have to be an over-planning, calculating penny-pinching worrier. I can become Mr’s optimistic, courageous, pleasant wife, and together (and with God’s help), we can do anything. I get really excited about that, and though I was looking forward to applying to Peace Corps (which was my plan) before getting married, I believe marrying Mr is more important and takes precedence. We will create a better life with each other together than we could do independently and apart. I’m sure of it!
When we develop a budget and secure a venue, I’ll share the date and other details. We’ve basically “planned” this wedding (really themed and dreamed it) in 2 days, and it’s AWESOME! I cannot wait for the next few months to come and go. And I’m looking forward to his second proposal, our “second” engagement, getting ready for marriage and wedding planning.