It Could Have Been Me

There are really great posts on Offbeat Bride, and I’m glad I subscribe to the posts.  Most of them are the best wedding-related reading I’ve encountered.  A recent one caught my eye today.  And with the title “What I learned from cancelling my wedding” who wouldn’t be intrigued?  Here’s an excerpt:

I started having doubts about the wedding (not the relationship… the WEDDING) early on, but I knew I wanted to marry my fiance so I didn’t say much other than “Do you like this venue?,” “Would you rather have German chocolate or pumpkin spice cake?,” etc. I thought I was doing him a favor by keeping my mouth shut when it came to my apprehensions. It turns out that, as the planning process carried on, we became more and more distant.

Wow.  That could be my story.  Like, that could be a post in this blog because it happened to me.

Once Mr proposed I thought we had to start planning a wedding, so that’s what we talked about.  We told our parents and some friends.  We went over guest lists.  We considered venues.  I started looking at dresses.  He looked at suits.  We talked about dates, but I’m not sure we actually set one.  We may have set one, but we didn’t tell anyone, so does it really count? Oh, we talked and talked and talked and talked about “our wedding.”  The more we talked about the wedding, the less I cared about the wedding.  I cared about us.  I cared about our lives.  I cared about our souls.  I didn’t want him to think I didn’t want to get married (because I do), so I just kept the wedding dream alive.  Maybe I did say it, when I shared “I don’t want a wedding.”  Maybe when you’re ready for a wedding, you want one.  I don’t know.  I want to be married though, even though I’m not ready to do it tomorrow or next year.

What we failed to do while being engaged was prepare for our marriage.  Though the engagement was so short, we have so many things to think, talk and work through – individually and as a couple.  Where will we worship?  Where will we live?  How do we enhance my relationship with Mr’s son?  How will we handle our finances?  Our engagement should have sparked these questions rather than “How many people can we afford to have at our wedding anyway?”  Then there are my own questions.  “Am I ready to be a stepmom?” “Do I really want to leave my job sooner than I had planned to?”  I should sort that out before I agree to being someone’s fiance, especially when that somebody has a child and lives hundreds of miles away.

So we broke our engagement so that we could build a stronger relationship.  I think I’m done writing about this.  Here’s some music!

Besides, rather than having to cancel a wedding or drone on about our no-longer-engagement, I’d like to think this could be us:

long time black married coupleMeet Herbert and Zelmyra Fisher of North Carolina. They have been married 87 years and hold the Guinness World Record for the longest marriage of a living couple.  I’d love for Mr and me to be more like this than the couple informing vendors and family that the wedding’s off or worse yet, the marriage over.  We’re in this for the long haul, detours and layovers included.


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